Shoot! rach, u careless girl! haha. dumb dumb. u dont cover ur tracks very well eh? haha. u left ur firefox homepage as ur blogger blog, even after u switched to livejournal. and since u keep using firefox in sch (for password convenience sake), pple have glimpsed this blog and know there's updates. careless careless. took you so long to change it eh, you lazy fella.
then u funny girl. got 2 email only change ur blog add for the email signiture for the email you used to send less often than the one you use to send to more pple. lol. slipped up eh? and u switched to lj for how long already?? tsk tsk.
so how? discovered liao. cover blown. near zero has ceased to exist, becoz of ur carelessness. haha. but laxing, peps who came back here and found me out. :) i mean i put it out public, knowing the possibility that it may be discovered again. just dint expect to be so soon. xp
well, guess now that my cover is blown, the purpose of blogging here instead of where i shd be has ceased to exist. so 'this season' shall end here.back to lj.
please refer back to lj blog: ignite4him.livejournal.com
and thanks for the encouragement to both the anonymous dot (.) and ben. :)
apologies about the posts.. they're more liberal so maybe less tactful and all, becoz i dint expect anyone to read it. xp *shrugs*
wow. reading through this blog and the posts i put up, short and long, here and there, i realised i used a lot of 'directive words', not mentioning names, that if i dont know who are they, i'd be real confused, becoz the "he"s and "she"s and "you"s and all... all referring to different pple in different posts at different times. lol.
rachi... what if someone gets the wrong impression and thot u are referring to a particular someone when you're actually referring to another?? lol
well.. too bad. that's not my concern for "give me the freedom to write and express myself in the way i want man!" :) these posts arent exactly for anyone to see in the first place. lol. it's meant for me, so i know can liao. :)
rachi... what if someone gets the wrong impression and thot u are referring to a particular someone when you're actually referring to another?? lol
well.. too bad. that's not my concern for "give me the freedom to write and express myself in the way i want man!" :) these posts arent exactly for anyone to see in the first place. lol. it's meant for me, so i know can liao. :)
"this season" - currently period where i fear writing on my blog due to motives, pple reading, expectations, restrictions, considerations, implications and all... which corners me and instil fear into my heart. i am a coward. better writing here in this forgotten place where i have the peace of mind, knowing that i dont have to worry about my intentions and implications to readers who read, becoz the chance of pple coming here is near zero. :)
OKAYS! enough of the negative posts... now comes the overall summary of yesterday's events:
*unfold*
so, i've written about the morning's feelings... yes i was super out of sorts. (dont ask me why, becoz i myself dont know... i'm pointing the finger to stress though) and as the teachers, principal was going on and on about studies, how we should study blah blah blah... i was getting more frustrated and irritated, probably becoz of the pressure i feel due to my still unproductivity/low productivity.
The only person who cld tell i was out of sorts then, was... Ben, surprisingly (since out of the whole class, i know him the least becoz he hardly appears... so sometimes i confess that i have a hard time remembering he's in our class. xp but he's a nice chap, he's alright.)
When he joined our class, just before the late morning's ceremony, he was like "Hey. Why you look so glum?" haha.
anyways, yes, i left the hall at the start, before they started actually, to go to the toilet, becoz i cld not hold back my emotions anymore, esp after i received the 2cards and started reading them. so there i was in the toilet, crying for a while, rereading again and again the 2simple but sweet cards.
Thank God though, for the teachers' dedication video that was so entertaining, enouraging and hilarious that i was laughing my heart out, laughing till i was crying (well not exactly crying, just tears in my eyes coz laugh too hard, seriously.) and that put me straight up, helping me to bounce back up. (psst.. bounce up too high in fact). So for the rest of the day after that, i was in my high mode, which means a little crazy (which pple in sch seemingly seldom see... farah seems a little taken aback, and so is Seq.) haha. especially when going for our 0836 Royal Family swenson's outing @PS. haha.
but goodness gracious. the Swenson's meal was i have to say interesting to the max. Becoz i was sitting across him whom at this season i'm still awkward with due to what has happened not too long ago. (not my choice of seating. i went in slightly later than the rest becoz i was at the ladies. xp ) yikes. you know how awkward and uncomfortable (okay, actually less of this) it can be to be sitting directly opposite someone you're awkward with and kinda trying to avoid becoz 没脸见人? haha. so kept talking to farah, sitting beside me, or trying to see what the guys on my other side is talking about, or dropping random comments on Seq, sitting beside Farah. lol. (okays, i dint totally ignore him lah... it's just that i'm awkward talking to him and looking him in the face that's all. i wonder if he felt it. xp i'm kinda trying not to be so obvious that not wanting myself to be too uncomfortable trying too hard.)
then after that, went to watch movie! wanted to watch 500Days of summer... yida watched already, so down there debating what to watch for a long time. in the end, split 2 grp: 500Days of Summer & Yida's grp. since 500Days of summer i gotta wait more than an hr, being unwilling becoz dont wanna go home too late for dinner, i followed yida, and so did ben & dan. we watched Haeundae: the Deadly Tsunami @ 4pm. :) it was good. :) it's nice, and totally NOT the kind of show i watch in the cinema.. it's not animation, nor exactly action packed, nor exactly (i dunno how else to describe other movies i watched in cinemas before)... it's korean... and i guess the only asian movie i watched in the cinema. It's a little scary (what else wld u expect with a deadly tsunami) and i caught myself with fingers between my teeth quite a no of times, though tears (that flowed down the guys' cheeks) dint do for me (probably becoz morning cry till no tears liao. haha). and i seldom, if ever, have my fingers btw my teeth becoz the show's a little scary (the waves esp)... for the fact that i dont watch horror shows. haha. but this aint exactly considered a horror show, though certain parts quite scary.. maybe it's becoz it's something that can happen =/= non-fictional kind... so yah, it's the kind i can take without being haunted by it. haha. anyways, it was GOOD! (okays yida, for once i'll give you credit. haha)
glad to be home for dinner! good food! but after the mango fantasy + 1rodeo wing + farah's veg + 1/2slice of Seq's icecream cake @ Swensons... to have chicken stew, beef rendang, cauliflower, salmon, tanghoon... and CHEESECAKE!! for dinner was.... *phew* (die die die.. eat too much good food liao. xp xp xp ) after dinner, wanted to nap a while then shower and blog and study.. in the end... nap and nap and nap and nap, cant wake up. then finally got out of bed to brush teeth and have a proper sleep on my own bed. haha.
oops. 8.23am liao. gotta go. got Seq's SBQ lesson to attend. :) tata
*unfold*
so, i've written about the morning's feelings... yes i was super out of sorts. (dont ask me why, becoz i myself dont know... i'm pointing the finger to stress though) and as the teachers, principal was going on and on about studies, how we should study blah blah blah... i was getting more frustrated and irritated, probably becoz of the pressure i feel due to my still unproductivity/low productivity.
The only person who cld tell i was out of sorts then, was... Ben, surprisingly (since out of the whole class, i know him the least becoz he hardly appears... so sometimes i confess that i have a hard time remembering he's in our class. xp but he's a nice chap, he's alright.)
When he joined our class, just before the late morning's ceremony, he was like "Hey. Why you look so glum?" haha.
anyways, yes, i left the hall at the start, before they started actually, to go to the toilet, becoz i cld not hold back my emotions anymore, esp after i received the 2cards and started reading them. so there i was in the toilet, crying for a while, rereading again and again the 2simple but sweet cards.
Thank God though, for the teachers' dedication video that was so entertaining, enouraging and hilarious that i was laughing my heart out, laughing till i was crying (well not exactly crying, just tears in my eyes coz laugh too hard, seriously.) and that put me straight up, helping me to bounce back up. (psst.. bounce up too high in fact). So for the rest of the day after that, i was in my high mode, which means a little crazy (which pple in sch seemingly seldom see... farah seems a little taken aback, and so is Seq.) haha. especially when going for our 0836 Royal Family swenson's outing @PS. haha.
but goodness gracious. the Swenson's meal was i have to say interesting to the max. Becoz i was sitting across him whom at this season i'm still awkward with due to what has happened not too long ago. (not my choice of seating. i went in slightly later than the rest becoz i was at the ladies. xp ) yikes. you know how awkward and uncomfortable (okay, actually less of this) it can be to be sitting directly opposite someone you're awkward with and kinda trying to avoid becoz 没脸见人? haha. so kept talking to farah, sitting beside me, or trying to see what the guys on my other side is talking about, or dropping random comments on Seq, sitting beside Farah. lol. (okays, i dint totally ignore him lah... it's just that i'm awkward talking to him and looking him in the face that's all. i wonder if he felt it. xp i'm kinda trying not to be so obvious that not wanting myself to be too uncomfortable trying too hard.)
then after that, went to watch movie! wanted to watch 500Days of summer... yida watched already, so down there debating what to watch for a long time. in the end, split 2 grp: 500Days of Summer & Yida's grp. since 500Days of summer i gotta wait more than an hr, being unwilling becoz dont wanna go home too late for dinner, i followed yida, and so did ben & dan. we watched Haeundae: the Deadly Tsunami @ 4pm. :) it was good. :) it's nice, and totally NOT the kind of show i watch in the cinema.. it's not animation, nor exactly action packed, nor exactly (i dunno how else to describe other movies i watched in cinemas before)... it's korean... and i guess the only asian movie i watched in the cinema. It's a little scary (what else wld u expect with a deadly tsunami) and i caught myself with fingers between my teeth quite a no of times, though tears (that flowed down the guys' cheeks) dint do for me (probably becoz morning cry till no tears liao. haha). and i seldom, if ever, have my fingers btw my teeth becoz the show's a little scary (the waves esp)... for the fact that i dont watch horror shows. haha. but this aint exactly considered a horror show, though certain parts quite scary.. maybe it's becoz it's something that can happen =/= non-fictional kind... so yah, it's the kind i can take without being haunted by it. haha. anyways, it was GOOD! (okays yida, for once i'll give you credit. haha)
glad to be home for dinner! good food! but after the mango fantasy + 1rodeo wing + farah's veg + 1/2slice of Seq's icecream cake @ Swensons... to have chicken stew, beef rendang, cauliflower, salmon, tanghoon... and CHEESECAKE!! for dinner was.... *phew* (die die die.. eat too much good food liao. xp xp xp ) after dinner, wanted to nap a while then shower and blog and study.. in the end... nap and nap and nap and nap, cant wake up. then finally got out of bed to brush teeth and have a proper sleep on my own bed. haha.
oops. 8.23am liao. gotta go. got Seq's SBQ lesson to attend. :) tata
How i've learnt n grown? I've learnt that friendships are... I dunno. Complicated? Tricky? Unreliable? Inconsistent? I dunno. Forget it. 10:59am, Fri 16 Oct 2009
it seems the some, even if few, pple do notice that i'm struggling. I guess there are pple who care, but like me sometimes they are just handicapped in figuring how to show it n give support. Yah. Yt, sammy, glor, ed... They are probably still more that you dont know (give pple the benefit of the doubt).10:32am, Fri 16 Oct 2009
I seem to have pressured myself so much to be my friend's support, that now that i dont, i reprimand myself so severely. Indeed, i have lost the courage. I brought cards to write encouragement, but failed to do so becoz i lacked courage, n becoz i'm just in a lousy mood n cant write anything. I'm trying too hard arent i? In the wrong way too (so no credit). I miss the 2frens who gave me an encouragement card today, something that we used to do for each other. But 1friendship i have turned away becoz i felt so unworthy n guilty, having no longer the courage even to see her face to face, my guilt n fears forever haunting me. The other i have slowly distant becoz i closed up my life to pple ard me, n she can feel it, mentioning it briefly in the card. I wish i can share wif her, but she too is taking A levels, i dont want to burden her. I just have to walk this alone. I tried before to ask for help n get pple to walk wif me, but they turned for the worse instead. I have lost courage n faith to share my burdens wif others. It seems like they are for me n myself alone to bear. Little pple out there wishes to listen n help lift the burdens off another's shoulder. Little pple can 10:21am, Fri 16 Oct 2009
and this was the time when i was typing in the toilet, crying, while my class was already in the hall, so overwhelmed by my emotions whilst reading the 2 cards i got fr e 2 gals. i think i stayed in the toilet, crying for about 15min? yah. i was just out of sorts that day, that morning. *shrugs* hope no one noticed my tear-stained eyes. (tears cant stain eyes you dumb dumb!) :)
and coincidentally, whilst i was sobbing in the toilet, who but my cell glor smsed me this timely msg: Heys there. Hope that youre feeling less tired. Be constantly renewed in the Lord. Where our weakness are made whole in Him. Anyway, its friday today also. Yeah. Remb to rest as much as you study. May God see you thru today. :-D
It's very different, 2yrs ago n now. That day, grad day, we were all a little crazy, excited, n well, having a good time, taking photos, some giving cards n gifts. But today, i'm feeling anything but that. Rather, I'm moody and down, and couldnt care less that today I'm 'graduating'. I'm frustrated, irritated and tired. I cant wait for As to be over and leave this school and it's unhappy memories. (yes, for now i'm neglecting the good memories i have, and the special friendships i've made, esp in 0836) 10:00am, Fri 16 Oct 2009
I hate typing out how i feel to accidentally delete the whole thing before saving it. It pisses me off. It makes me more frustrated gets me more moody than allowing me to get rid of the ill feelings inside. Damn it!! I hate my handphone!! I'm stress n i hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yah right... U only interested in the potentials, grooming up the potentials, caring less though driving us like crazy, the lousier ones.08:36am, Fri 16 Oct 2009
Yah right... U only interested in the potentials, grooming up the potentials, caring less though driving us like crazy, the lousier ones.08:36am, Fri 16 Oct 2009
It seems like i'm gonna leave Ignyte not having made friends though i have found communal support n family support. Better than those who have none i guess 12:47am, Fri 16 Oct 2009
most pple are too good for me, so friendships wif me seldom last. 12:49am, Fri 16 Oct 2009
lord, i just want to be cradled in your arms n cry. I want your reassuring comforting touch.Lord, even now i'm holding back, keeping away from you. Why? What is wrong wif me? 12:56am, Fri 16 Oct 2009
sigh.. i cant hope can i? there is just no way btw u and me right? i wish... but i cant either. Even if you are willing, though desiring, i'm not willing to let things happen. 我没那个资格。我配不上你。晚安。
rach ~ when we as God's children are living in faith...
we can haf an exciting expectancy & a quiet confidence tat God will give us exactly what we need, when we need it (matt7:8-11)
we can haf an exciting expectancy & a quiet confidence tat God will give us exactly what we need, when we need it (matt7:8-11)
wow. even grandma knows before she tells me. i wonder why she doesnt want to tell me. Lord, help me to put aside all expectations, that i dont have to reqalked the path i took this year on another closed friendship. let history NOT repeat itself please.
Dunno what's wrong wif me. I'm so lethargic. It's been more than half an hr liao, but i still feel very chuan n out of breath. *pants* feel like i can collapse anytime. :( 08:12am, Wed 14 Oct 2009
n i just spent half an hr stoning without realising it. :( 08:34am, Wed 14 Oct 2009
n i just spent half an hr stoning without realising it. :( 08:34am, Wed 14 Oct 2009
I cant say no to family. That's why i wld rather not b around to say no. Family, no peace, slight tension, enough trouble. School, everyone stressed or discouraged. I have only left church where i can find support.12:00am, Fri 9 Oct 2009
my sis is not home today. she's staying overnight at chalet. (a miracle my dad actually allowed her) makes me think of the Z2 poly pple having the time of their life at chalet though, and yes, i'm not included becoz... no1: i got sch. no2: my dad dont let.
never before have i so wanted to go for a chalet. sigh. probably my last time to go chalet wif this grp... *poof* gone. :( i was quite upset initially actually. I really grown to love this group. they're so fun, supportive, caring, and well is the group of friends where at this moment, this season of life, is whom i can be most myself in front of. prob is we're kinda just cellmates/zone mates, and is not that close a friend where you'll otherwise remember to invite to go out together and all. sigh. next year, graduating already, and though i dont say it out, it's going to be a hard transition, becoz the only other pple i'm close to at church, not talking bout my close adam friends (or once-closed) wont follow up with me to graduate next year, only chloe. and none of these peers of mine actually stays in the north.. so chances we're be together... converging towards zero. sigh. next year, another transition year, AGAIN!
anyways, i guess i'm kinda glad i dint go chalet in the end, becoz managed to study, and needed the time to study + tonight was awesome.
dont ask how it happened... but in the last 40-60min in sch... technically around 9pm-10pm, we (me,ed,dan) just worshippped God. It kinda started as a sing-a-long, and moved towards worship from the heart, and i believe singing the different songs spoke to our hearts, serving as reminders even in this tough period, this last lap, where i believe each one of us are struggling with our own stress, disappointments with prelims, expectations and all...
but that break; the worship; the hymns; and even later, the kiddy children sunday school songs that we sung, once after another, brought out a heart of worship, spiritual tuning, and nostalgic memories. You can see the faces, worshipping. We're like together, as in singing together, worshipping together, yet seemingly seperate, each in our own personal space with Yahweh. Thank you Lord, for directing us where we should have headed towards all these while; to look to you, focus on you and know that you are faithful and you are there, here with us.
How Great is our God. God will make a way. Give me oil in my lamp. I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N. Turn your eyes upon Jesus. With Christ in the vessel. Still. Come on and celebrate. God is good. Open the eyes of my Heart. I'm in the Lord's army. His Banner Over Me is Love. How did Moses cross the Red Sea. Pass It On. How Great Thou Art(and at least 50more to go??)
"...for in the midst of the storm, through the wind and the rain. You'll still be faithful. You'll still be faithful O Lord..."
Thank you Lord for your faithfulness, and for given us brother and sisters a good time of worshipping you together. I love you Lord. Good night! *muacks!*
never before have i so wanted to go for a chalet. sigh. probably my last time to go chalet wif this grp... *poof* gone. :( i was quite upset initially actually. I really grown to love this group. they're so fun, supportive, caring, and well is the group of friends where at this moment, this season of life, is whom i can be most myself in front of. prob is we're kinda just cellmates/zone mates, and is not that close a friend where you'll otherwise remember to invite to go out together and all. sigh. next year, graduating already, and though i dont say it out, it's going to be a hard transition, becoz the only other pple i'm close to at church, not talking bout my close adam friends (or once-closed) wont follow up with me to graduate next year, only chloe. and none of these peers of mine actually stays in the north.. so chances we're be together... converging towards zero. sigh. next year, another transition year, AGAIN!
anyways, i guess i'm kinda glad i dint go chalet in the end, becoz managed to study, and needed the time to study + tonight was awesome.
dont ask how it happened... but in the last 40-60min in sch... technically around 9pm-10pm, we (me,ed,dan) just worshippped God. It kinda started as a sing-a-long, and moved towards worship from the heart, and i believe singing the different songs spoke to our hearts, serving as reminders even in this tough period, this last lap, where i believe each one of us are struggling with our own stress, disappointments with prelims, expectations and all...
but that break; the worship; the hymns; and even later, the kiddy children sunday school songs that we sung, once after another, brought out a heart of worship, spiritual tuning, and nostalgic memories. You can see the faces, worshipping. We're like together, as in singing together, worshipping together, yet seemingly seperate, each in our own personal space with Yahweh. Thank you Lord, for directing us where we should have headed towards all these while; to look to you, focus on you and know that you are faithful and you are there, here with us.
How Great is our God. God will make a way. Give me oil in my lamp. I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N. Turn your eyes upon Jesus. With Christ in the vessel. Still. Come on and celebrate. God is good. Open the eyes of my Heart. I'm in the Lord's army. His Banner Over Me is Love. How did Moses cross the Red Sea. Pass It On. How Great Thou Art(and at least 50more to go??)
"...for in the midst of the storm, through the wind and the rain. You'll still be faithful. You'll still be faithful O Lord..."
Thank you Lord for your faithfulness, and for given us brother and sisters a good time of worshipping you together. I love you Lord. Good night! *muacks!*
enough about him already shall we? i'm started to grow tired of hearing & talking about him. i can 99% confidently say that when i'm with you, his name will appear in our conversation. Not that i want to keep things from you and all, but it's the motive behind talking so much. To protect you, to safeguard you, i am willing to speak. but you've moved to being the 'kaypoh' mode, wishing to know more for interest sake, the way gossippers do. No offense my dear, but that's not for me. if the chat is about gossipping about anyone, i'm not that interested, esp not during this period where time is limited, important, and mostly reserved to be used effectively to study, not gossip. I'm not angry. I'm just tired. Tired of hearing the same old, same old thing. No, i'm not judging you, and i encourage you to talk it out so that we can be your watcher, to watch out for you, to be your protection whom you can turn to when you need to be in safe arms. That's what friends are for.
But if your intention is to used our knowledge to find out juicy news, of which does not seem to affect your responses and decisions towards him, then maybe it's time for you to do a little soul-searching... what is it you really want? what are you doing what you are doing? why do you want to find out so much?
I'm not angry wif you or anything. really. i'm not irritated with you either, nor the others. It's just that from my point of view, sometimes i do get sick and tired hearing pple lament about him and his tactics, blaming him for being a sweet-talker, manipulative, lying to them, putting a false front(or rather false fronts), indirectly meaning 欺骗我感情... ...
Yes, i'm not denying he does seem and probably is (okay, so he is) that way.. but it was our choice to entertain him, it was our choice(or lack of good judgement) to think we can change a person, it was our choice on how we choose to respond to him and let ourselves get affected by him. It takes two hands to clap. Everyone knows that principle, but not many actually remembers it, or rather, we choose not to remember it and apply it to ourselves.
you may think, who am i to comment... i've not been through what they had.. so say you. yes, it's true that i may not have gone thru exactly what they had gone thru.. but hey, when i say we're just friends, i dint mention though that i was trying to ensure it went that way. You think he has not used those 'tactics' on me before? you think he has not sweet-talked me before? you think he has not used the phrase 'do you miss me?' and night call me before? do you think i have not met those hard personal questions he love asking girls? do you think that i was so strong that i was not tempted but a woman's desire? then maybe... think again.
I hope i dont sound too defensive, becoz i'm not really trying to be. it's just that pple take my personality/character for granted, not knowing/remembering that i too am a human being. I wont deny that at times, sexual desires aroused, and i longed for a guy to hold my hand, give me a hug, engage in a passionate kiss, and just be with a guy, loving and knowing i'm being loved. I wont deny that i enjoyed and perhaps sometimes crave a little for more attention from him. Girls like attention from guys. (esp if he's a guy she's been liking or a guy who's good at giving the right attention. haha.) I wont deny that i enjoy being with him, hearing his voice and all. I wont deny that i too had been tempted and at times given in to my feelings.
I felt kinda a slight loss when he got distracted by someone else, and my fantasy (of which i knew from the start that it was never reality.. but one still hopes in a dream dont they? :) ) went to smoke. Any slight possibilities/hope that he does like me more than a friend, but someone special, already from the start knowing that wont happen, or trying to convince myself so...*poof*.... but i knew that it was me who relent, me who gave in, me who compromised, me who responded. i dont blame him as many are in the habit of doing. i can only say that i was foolish to have let some feelings developed, knowing that he is not and never is the one for me, and that he will not like me in that way... ...
and yes, i've gotten over him. I've faced reality, and embraced reality, and accepted reality. And yes, believe it or not, it's over. The feelings for him and all. maybe becoz deep down i always knew the reality, so though i gave in here and there, i guess i may not have invested as deeply as i thought, allowing me to let go better. We're just friends now, friends back again, friends that hardly talk though... haha. unlike last time. (he's too busy *ahem*) haha. There is no regret, no blaming, but a lesson learnt through this journey of life, through this experience. It allowed me to know myself better, my reactions and bodily/emotional response to a guy's action, esp when directed to me. I guess in time to come, i'll find it useful in further guarding myself and understanding myself as such encounters meet me again.
It's late. i dont know why am i still online, cept for the fact i bathed late becoz when i reach home, having cycled back, i needed to chill a little... then dad came back and bathe, then insisted my sis bathe first... then finally my turn... and i have to let my hair dry, so took this 4o min or so to type all these out, although my hair 早就干了! haha. :D Gnite!
But if your intention is to used our knowledge to find out juicy news, of which does not seem to affect your responses and decisions towards him, then maybe it's time for you to do a little soul-searching... what is it you really want? what are you doing what you are doing? why do you want to find out so much?
I'm not angry wif you or anything. really. i'm not irritated with you either, nor the others. It's just that from my point of view, sometimes i do get sick and tired hearing pple lament about him and his tactics, blaming him for being a sweet-talker, manipulative, lying to them, putting a false front(or rather false fronts), indirectly meaning 欺骗我感情... ...
Yes, i'm not denying he does seem and probably is (okay, so he is) that way.. but it was our choice to entertain him, it was our choice(or lack of good judgement) to think we can change a person, it was our choice on how we choose to respond to him and let ourselves get affected by him. It takes two hands to clap. Everyone knows that principle, but not many actually remembers it, or rather, we choose not to remember it and apply it to ourselves.
you may think, who am i to comment... i've not been through what they had.. so say you. yes, it's true that i may not have gone thru exactly what they had gone thru.. but hey, when i say we're just friends, i dint mention though that i was trying to ensure it went that way. You think he has not used those 'tactics' on me before? you think he has not sweet-talked me before? you think he has not used the phrase 'do you miss me?' and night call me before? do you think i have not met those hard personal questions he love asking girls? do you think that i was so strong that i was not tempted but a woman's desire? then maybe... think again.
I hope i dont sound too defensive, becoz i'm not really trying to be. it's just that pple take my personality/character for granted, not knowing/remembering that i too am a human being. I wont deny that at times, sexual desires aroused, and i longed for a guy to hold my hand, give me a hug, engage in a passionate kiss, and just be with a guy, loving and knowing i'm being loved. I wont deny that i enjoyed and perhaps sometimes crave a little for more attention from him. Girls like attention from guys. (esp if he's a guy she's been liking or a guy who's good at giving the right attention. haha.) I wont deny that i enjoy being with him, hearing his voice and all. I wont deny that i too had been tempted and at times given in to my feelings.
I felt kinda a slight loss when he got distracted by someone else, and my fantasy (of which i knew from the start that it was never reality.. but one still hopes in a dream dont they? :) ) went to smoke. Any slight possibilities/hope that he does like me more than a friend, but someone special, already from the start knowing that wont happen, or trying to convince myself so...*poof*.... but i knew that it was me who relent, me who gave in, me who compromised, me who responded. i dont blame him as many are in the habit of doing. i can only say that i was foolish to have let some feelings developed, knowing that he is not and never is the one for me, and that he will not like me in that way... ...
and yes, i've gotten over him. I've faced reality, and embraced reality, and accepted reality. And yes, believe it or not, it's over. The feelings for him and all. maybe becoz deep down i always knew the reality, so though i gave in here and there, i guess i may not have invested as deeply as i thought, allowing me to let go better. We're just friends now, friends back again, friends that hardly talk though... haha. unlike last time. (he's too busy *ahem*) haha. There is no regret, no blaming, but a lesson learnt through this journey of life, through this experience. It allowed me to know myself better, my reactions and bodily/emotional response to a guy's action, esp when directed to me. I guess in time to come, i'll find it useful in further guarding myself and understanding myself as such encounters meet me again.
It's late. i dont know why am i still online, cept for the fact i bathed late becoz when i reach home, having cycled back, i needed to chill a little... then dad came back and bathe, then insisted my sis bathe first... then finally my turn... and i have to let my hair dry, so took this 4o min or so to type all these out, although my hair 早就干了! haha. :D Gnite!
western food!! roasted chicken. black pepper fish. garlic bread. cream soup. harsh brown. lettuce. => i'm glad to be home for dinner today. it's been a while since we had home-cooked western food. yum!
There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.
There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.
And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...
There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.
There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.
And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...
There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.
Goodbye.
what's gone is gone.
what you've lost you've lost.
what you never have, you never will.
what was never meant to be, was never meant to be yours.
Goodbye.
Rach, let go... NOW!!!
what's gone is gone.
what you've lost you've lost.
what you never have, you never will.
what was never meant to be, was never meant to be yours.
Goodbye.
Rach, let go... NOW!!!
this morning dont know what on earth was the matter with me... tired out, exhausted, lethargic, stoning, numb, not a care in the world (including being late for econs camp!)... i hate PMS. seriously. kept stoning, and walk around numb, void of feelings except sighing. i'm in a world of my own, my mind blank, and not really into socialising. even skipped part of the econs camp so that i can find a classroom and Zzzzzzzzzzzzz..... *snore* first time. ed kept saying i looked sian. could tell that farah dint know what to do with me. i dint know what to do with myself too. sitting down there early in the morning, wasting my time, not becoz the lecture wasnt good, but i was simply too tired.
well, i'm not regretful over my decision to NOT attend the lecture after the lunch break, but instead find a classroom and snooze for that 1 hr or so, and then GO BACK for the last 1 hr - case studies... which by then, i was much much better and alive, thank goodness.
so out of the entire econs camp, the only thing i managed to capture was the case study part, but that also i semi-awake... still wearing off the effect. But thank goodness that 1hr rest did miracles! i was much better, alive, and could study later, dont even need another nap as i did my hist notes till 7pm! :D hallelujah!
so my apologies to pple who may have met this stoned-out, ignored you/dint see you by no real intention becoz my mind was sleeping and thus, so were my responses/reaction to my surroundings + pple, this morning. (not as if anyone wld be seeing here though. haha. lame!)
well, i'm not regretful over my decision to NOT attend the lecture after the lunch break, but instead find a classroom and snooze for that 1 hr or so, and then GO BACK for the last 1 hr - case studies... which by then, i was much much better and alive, thank goodness.
so out of the entire econs camp, the only thing i managed to capture was the case study part, but that also i semi-awake... still wearing off the effect. But thank goodness that 1hr rest did miracles! i was much better, alive, and could study later, dont even need another nap as i did my hist notes till 7pm! :D hallelujah!
so my apologies to pple who may have met this stoned-out, ignored you/dint see you by no real intention becoz my mind was sleeping and thus, so were my responses/reaction to my surroundings + pple, this morning. (not as if anyone wld be seeing here though. haha. lame!)
will history repeats itself? if drew were to ask all of us again if we feel the pressure of getting attached, i'll say with certainty... yES! :( just heard today that my couz has officially gotten a boyfriend, even went to ask permission from her parents. wow. ouch. and i just gotta hear it, NOT from her, which kinda saddens my heart, when i thought that our friendship seemed to be patching up since what happened this year. it's like *RED ALERT!*RED ALERT!*
thou shalt not lay expectations on pple. no one owe you a living, nor their life, nor an account, nor an update, nor anything. rmb rach... you're a nobody. stop thinking you are the all so important person that pple should be telling you things. man! check yourself, who the heck are you?! dont let history repeat itself. dont let your expectations bitter out your friendships, AGAIN. This just so reminds me of something that happened this year, and wow... the heart never does get a chance to fully heal and harden to ice does it? *weak smile*
i thought.. well, you're wrong! so shut up and stop behaving like a whim. the only consolation i can give you is that... she did say that she had something she wanted to tell you last sun night, though in the end she dint call. though when i smsed her just now she said she'll only tell me in dec. *shrugs* give her her privacy, her rights, for you are nobody to rob her of her joy. I know in time to come, i'll be happy for her. but right now, i cant help but yet again feel a slight prick that friends who used to be close hide from me. wow. it just shows the friendship i have, doesnt it.
this morning when i nap... i couldnt help but think of the couples i know, and keep seeing about. i keep imagining my cous and the guy, my once-very-close friend and her guy, the couple in my class, and all i can do is sigh and go and sleep. if in cell they ask, do you feel the peer pressure to get attached, i wld now say yes. seeing my close friend getting attached, seeing them happily together, imagining them happily together, seeing the couple in my class (though a little tension nowadays), my mind has started to get very distracted and often thinking, imagining, dreaming of guys and yah, what it wld be like to have a boyfriend who loves me and whom i can love back; who gives to me and let me give back. Yes, hormones are raging. I'm perfectly human. But to dream and constantly dwelling on what i cannot hold, not now, and probably not ever... it's torturous. I dont want to think anymore. I even wanted to totally direct all fantasies, all dreaming, all thinking towards the guy in my dream of whom i was marrying to. This ang mo guy i dint know, but sweet enough to marry me for who i am and not what i wear. It's not about the looks, it's about the person. And i guess for me who have no looks, that's heavenly answer.
But although i'm a girl of dreams and fantasies and imagination, i'm a girl of reality. though i may engage with the possibilities (or impossibilities) in my mind, eventually, i'm faced with the hard, cold truth, and i seldom deny them.
i lost my thoughts.
thou shalt not lay expectations on pple. no one owe you a living, nor their life, nor an account, nor an update, nor anything. rmb rach... you're a nobody. stop thinking you are the all so important person that pple should be telling you things. man! check yourself, who the heck are you?! dont let history repeat itself. dont let your expectations bitter out your friendships, AGAIN. This just so reminds me of something that happened this year, and wow... the heart never does get a chance to fully heal and harden to ice does it? *weak smile*
i thought.. well, you're wrong! so shut up and stop behaving like a whim. the only consolation i can give you is that... she did say that she had something she wanted to tell you last sun night, though in the end she dint call. though when i smsed her just now she said she'll only tell me in dec. *shrugs* give her her privacy, her rights, for you are nobody to rob her of her joy. I know in time to come, i'll be happy for her. but right now, i cant help but yet again feel a slight prick that friends who used to be close hide from me. wow. it just shows the friendship i have, doesnt it.
this morning when i nap... i couldnt help but think of the couples i know, and keep seeing about. i keep imagining my cous and the guy, my once-very-close friend and her guy, the couple in my class, and all i can do is sigh and go and sleep. if in cell they ask, do you feel the peer pressure to get attached, i wld now say yes. seeing my close friend getting attached, seeing them happily together, imagining them happily together, seeing the couple in my class (though a little tension nowadays), my mind has started to get very distracted and often thinking, imagining, dreaming of guys and yah, what it wld be like to have a boyfriend who loves me and whom i can love back; who gives to me and let me give back. Yes, hormones are raging. I'm perfectly human. But to dream and constantly dwelling on what i cannot hold, not now, and probably not ever... it's torturous. I dont want to think anymore. I even wanted to totally direct all fantasies, all dreaming, all thinking towards the guy in my dream of whom i was marrying to. This ang mo guy i dint know, but sweet enough to marry me for who i am and not what i wear. It's not about the looks, it's about the person. And i guess for me who have no looks, that's heavenly answer.
But although i'm a girl of dreams and fantasies and imagination, i'm a girl of reality. though i may engage with the possibilities (or impossibilities) in my mind, eventually, i'm faced with the hard, cold truth, and i seldom deny them.
i lost my thoughts.
rach ~ Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Drained... the very last lap... will i make it to the end? *smiles*nods* Be my support. :)
Drained... the very last lap... will i make it to the end? *smiles*nods* Be my support. :)
What if it was ur approval that she most wanted, your assurrance, your support? What if you were the one she feared most becoz u might oppose her? And you made her fears into reality becoz you did what she feared. You voiced disapproval, doubts, and caused her to struggle. When she most depended and needed you to walk alongside her and support her, your words cast her down and thrown her to the side, bruising her all over. How could you? Is this what you call being a friend? A great friend indeed huh?! So maybe while you were out there self-pitying yourself and blaming the world of ur probs, she was the one in the darkness who is doing the real struggling, till she has no choice to harden her heart agst you so that she could move on, like what you THINK you did. And you know what? you will never ever know... *muahaha*
there's a fine fine line btw many things... not just love, not just BGR... but... there's just so much. maybe the best thing is that one should not have ever developed things/relationships/situations so near that fine fine line where there is a risk that an overstepping of boundaries may leave you with nothing. Maybe one should not seriously invest in anything, especially feelings, emotions, and efforts. If one never invest, one would not have gone near to gaining anything, and thus one can never feel loss over what one never reached to get/used to have. *nods*
Is it time then to hold back and not give so much of myself whether it is to events, commitments, friendships and all? If one aims to get something and fail, one will feel the loss of working so hard to be crushed. But if one never had wanted and tried, what loss is there? will the latter be then better? *ponder*
Is it time then to hold back and not give so much of myself whether it is to events, commitments, friendships and all? If one aims to get something and fail, one will feel the loss of working so hard to be crushed. But if one never had wanted and tried, what loss is there? will the latter be then better? *ponder*
"We understood exactly what Jim meant. Henry [dog] had become Dale's [autistic boy]telephone; with his unthreatening face and eyes, he was not making the type of social demands on Dale that a person would. He had also become Dale's first real friend, teaching him how to be successful in a relationship without all the pressure that would come with a human friend."
-- A Friend like Henry --
i get what you mean. Sometimes it's frustrating and pressurising growing in an environment where no matter where you turn, who you turn to, there's a seeminly need to 看人家的脸。
-- A Friend like Henry --
i get what you mean. Sometimes it's frustrating and pressurising growing in an environment where no matter where you turn, who you turn to, there's a seeminly need to 看人家的脸。
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